I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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