8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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