well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
