tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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