Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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