Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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