Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
