It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I need to calm my uterus...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
