my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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