Umm I'm too high to move.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
