Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
