Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
