She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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