I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
