I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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