the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
