I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
