The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
OPIZZABONMYDICK
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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