I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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