Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
