He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
