WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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