Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
