Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
