Who did Billy Mays play for?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
