I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
