i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
