I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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