Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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