I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
