Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
ttyl tear gas
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
