So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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