no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
foreskin is a definite game changer
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
