I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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