how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
