I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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