If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
