I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
