I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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