I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
