I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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