I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize