I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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