I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
