another moral hangover. fuck.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
