Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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