it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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