captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
