i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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