It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
