She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
