so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
