Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
