So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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