Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
